You’ve been doing parent conferences all wrong (think about this instead).
I am not going to ask you if you’d like the good news or bad news first because I already know.
What’s the conventional wisdom regarding conferences with parents?
Even more so, what’s your personal inclination to running a meeting with a parent?
Now, let’s place these 2 ideas against each other and let the cognitive dissonance fly.
In the book “When: The Science Secrets Perfect Timing” by Daniel Pink, the research clearly states that people prefer bad news first. We like positive, happy endings, and finishing up with some good news works toward that goal.
What were you told as a new teacher? Start with a positive…
How are we to deal with scientific evidence juxtaposed with conventional wisdom?
I can see it now, starting my 30 parent conferences in November of this year with things I think each of the children does not do well, needs help with, needs to make growth with, is having trouble with, is behind their peers, etc…
Then I see myself in the office of my principal explaining the scientific evidence that supports giving bad news first… hmmm…
After talking with some of my peers about Pink’s writing, I found that many people seconded my fear. Trying something different, being reprimanded, and moving on.
But the idea sticks in my head: what would parents really do?
In the current format, we start with a positive to “cushion the blow.” In many ways, we might be having our parents leave with more negativity about their child then we originally intended. Remember, people like happy endings in stories.
If we like happier endings, can we present conferences in a different way?
Here are some thoughts on how to meld science with our prevailing wisdom to maybe make conferences work in a different way:
Build it up (but not in the way you think): Start with a minor negative, then a positive statement, then alternate between negatives and positives while increasing in intensity. Always finish with a strong positive. In this case, think about the kinds of negatives and positives that you use. I have been at too many meetings where parents are lauded for how “nice” their child is while paying extra attention to all of the learning challenges.
If you see bright spots, call them emerging skills
If you see bigger positives, call them strengths.
In this way, we aren’t praising the personality and intangible qualities of the child, but making sure to have data points about how far behind they are in reading or math. Finish with a statistic or 2 about how quickly the child has closed a gap in reading (even if they are still behind). Talk about how being “nice” and helping others is a mature social skill.
Another way to alternate: When I started these conversations with my peers, I found that the idea of positive-negative-positive was discussed. In this conference, you start with some good news, move to the bad news, and finish with some good news. This makes sense on the surface and is likely used by many educators.
Remember the ideas I listed before: be specific and use data points that back up your inclinations. Working hard is great, but if a child is working hard and closing a gap in learning, then you are really giving good news.
Be clear, be understood: Try this: start with what you are going to talk about and don’t dance around it. “I want to start with some things your child is having trouble with. We have seen that she is having some trouble with decoding still.” Then, when you move to the positive; “Now, reading is a concern, but we have seen so much growth in Math. She is growing in number sense and scored a ___ on the last test.”
While you may set a parent back with your first statement, there is something to be said for being honest and upfront. Ending with specific positives can lead you to grow with the family to help their child.
Try it before you buy it: Do you have some parents who you have stronger relationships than with others? Try these strategies with them first. Your relationship can dictate who to try it with first. In this way, you can get your feet under you for when you might have conversations that are less comfortable.
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We love to hear good news, especially when we are talking about our children. For parents, there are multiple ways that we can approach our conversations about their children. While our inclinations might be towards starting with the positive, there are some research backed ideas which would argue differently. While it would be hard to make these shifts in conferences, being clear, trying different ways of alternating negative and positive ideas, and trying it out on parents with whom you have strong relationships are small ways of making change.
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